| anonymous asks:
my fiance is perfect in every way except one. he hates my natural hair. my hair is very kinky and coarse and i’m a type 4zzzzz. no curl pattern, just a fluffy cloud of hair. i love my hair but i think he’s embarrassed by it. when we are out, if there happens to be another natural around that has even type 4a hair he’ll make a comment about how pretty her hair is with “the little waves.” i’m convinced he has “texture” issues. (he’s a type 3) he’s never told me he likes my hair but he has said that it makes him a little uncomfortable because i look like a boy (i wear my hair in a twa because i look best with short hair) and that he wants me to at least texlax my hair. i want to wear my hair as i always do, just out in my fro with maybe a little flower clipped in for the wedding but i’m afraid it might turn him off. what do you think i should do? |
i’m sorry you are going through this, chica. i can imagine that this is difficult to deal with seeing as you are in love with this man and want to devote your life to him.
but let me say this first – your fiance is being an absolute jerk when it comes to your hair. there is no way in the world a man that is ready to devote his life to you should be saying such ingnoramus things and acting this way towards you. but i’m going to give him a pass. one, because NO ONE is perfect and two, he may not realize how much this is hurting you. i’m going to assume you’ve yet to talk to him about this and i’m also going to assume that he is black. for that i’ll give him a TINY pass because kinky natural hair is not something we wake up and covet since we are taught from the moment we are born that it’s ugly and bad.
if i were you, i’d talk about it. but don’t lead with, “we need to talk.” men hate that and it makes them think, “i need to talk about my feelings”, etc. and they lock up and feel naked and vulnerable. you could say something like, “i love the way this conditioner makes my hair smell and feel so soft like cotton,” as you are shopping for hair products at the store. after that you could add, “and i love it when you touch my hair when we are watching movies…” blah blah. you get the drift. find something POSITIVE about what he does first and lead with that – don’t come out with the attack because you will fail. men lock down and become defensive easily because this attack means that he’s not taking care of you emotionally and no man wants to be told how they are not taking care of anything that has to do with their woman.
after that, see how he responds and then you could say to him, “i really like it when you [fill in the blank], but it hurts my feelings that on the other hand [fill in the blank]. i really would like it if you [fill in the blank] my natural hair.” trust me, when you say “hurts my” that’s the only thing he is going to hear if he truly loves you and he’ll jump to fix the problem immediately even if he has to watch an marathon of roots, read nikki giovanni books and start watching youtube videos on how to pineapple hair. he’ll want to fix it.
you say he’s “perfect” and i can only go by that (though i know you are not being literal) and if this is your only problem then try to snuff if out. some people go through this “battle of ignorance” with their mother or father or siblings or friends, you just happen to be going through this with your fiance.
if he doesn’t then you might have a problem on your hands because if he feels this way about your hair, what will happen if you gain weight during or after childbirth or start going grey – anything that changes up your physical appearance. you can’t get lypo or dye your hair every month just because he wants you to. acceptance is total not partial. and he needs to accept the TOTAL package that you are. kinky hair and all.
what say you ladies? what would you do if your man asked you to texlax your hair? how would you handle this situation? and please be nice, none of us are perfect so no name calling ;)
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I feel for this sister SO much. I think its a shame that our men are still very conditioned in some way to not accept our beautiful natural hair. I think it’s most sad that this man, who she says is perfect and I’m sure she loves, uses many opportunities to refer to her hair and how its not “little waves” like he wants. If he cannot accept your 4zzz poufy pretty head of hair, in a twa, then I would say thats an issue. I understand its not a reason to terminate a relationship, but I believe it is a wakeup call and an opportunity to take a moment and really address this issue. She shouldnt feel that every time they see another natural chic with a looser curl pattern, he’s already formulating a comment about how hers isnt that. Julia brings up a really good point, is this behavior that might trickle down to future children. At the end of the day, our hair is an extension of ourselves and our femininity. It isnt the texture, length or curl pattern that defines it, its the acceptance and love of what God has given us.
And to the 14 year old who is having issue with white boys. I could say alot, but what I will start by saying is that black womanhood in America is at a precarious place, and black women have been oversexualized and unfairly labeled as hoes, sex fiends, and Hottentots for centuries. Dismiss their commentary as ignorance, because thats what it is. You should feel sorry for them that they are still stuck in the 1800s, and tell them so next time. Also, do what you’ve been doing and make sure your parents, teachers and school admins understand if they are bothering you and take any and ALL steps to stop that in its tracks. You don’t have to deal with that. Period.
I only have a few question for you to think about – what happens if you have a daughter with this man? What if she doesn’t have the “little waves” he likes?
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